How to Spot a Basic Bro

Recently I wrote about basic bitches and their slow takeover of the indie beer scene. But their counterpart “basic bros,” are also taking over what was once a “hipster” hobby. Now indie beer is something the frat dudes take part in too. Like the term “basic bitch,” basic bro refers to men who predominantly like mainstream products, trends and music. Basic bros often say they appreciate diversity and culture but such talk usually doesn’t go past blacking out at Oktoberfest and eating a lot of Mexican food.

Basic Bros come in all ages, shapes and sizes. Historically, basic bros wouldn’t be caught dead in an indie beer establishment (especially ours, c’mon it has no TV!) as they gravitate towards sports bars but we are starting to see more trickle into [ the pub ]. Even still, when basic bros are found at a craft establishment, half the time they’re just there to hit on the server(s).

Think you may have noticed an uptick in basic bros at [ the pub ]? Here are some sure signs you’ve spotted one.

  • He’s a Seahawks fan. If you can figure out how long they’ve been a fan, if it’s less than five years, you’ve probably got yourself a basic bro.
  • He’s wearing Nikes. No other tennis shoe brand exists if you’re a basic bro.
  • Relating to the above bullet, they’re wearing Nike crew socks that hit about mid-calf, preferably they’re Dri-Fit.
  • They’re accompanied by a female wearing a decorative scarf and carrying a handbag. Basic bros like some arm candy.
  • You overhear him say “Epic,” “Sick” or “Hella.”
  • He’s sporting a J Crew polo or t-shirt. (I’m into this look but hey, still basic)
  • If they’re at [ the pub ] they ordered the Sloppy Jared or the Pickled Fried Chicken. Chicken parm is a go-to at Italian restaurants.
  • They’re wearing flip-flops and/or shorts when clearly they aren’t going to the beach. christmas-2013-130
  • He has an arm band, calf, or butt tattoo. (The ass tat is probably something he and his buddies did in Vegas.) He’s extra basic if the tattoo includes obnoxious cursive, a cross or is at all tribal looking.
  • He’s low key playing Pokemon-Go or doing something else on his phone while people are talking to him.
  • Anyone who arrives that he is familiar with gets an enthusiastic bro handshake.
  • You overhear him quoting Wedding Crashers, Fight Club, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Superbad or any Will Ferrell movie (though if you ask, he’s never heard of Stranger Than Fiction).

So you think you’ve found one. Introduce yourself by bringing up your mutual love of golf and get to know the guy. If you discover any of the below is true about him, you’ve probably found a basic bro.

  • Daniel Tosh or Kevin Hart is his favorite comedian.
  • One day he’d like to start his own business but doesn’t know in what yet and/or hasn’t started working towards it at all.
  • Loves going to Vegas, especially with the squad.
  • Has been to a Kanye West concert.
  • Mainly listens to Hip-Hop but sometimes country too.
  • His Instagram bio mentions his age, what he majored in, what town he lives in and/or where he went to school.
  • Speaking of Instagram, make note if he has any mirror pics or pictures with his friends where their arms are crossed in front.

    images

    classic basic bro pose

  • He’s been to more house parties than he can count.
  • He is either in a frat or he has partied with “a buddy of mine” that is in a frat.
  • He owns thousands of dollars worth of electronics (Flat-Screen TV, XBox, Stereos, etc)
  • He owns a poster of Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali and/or Tupac

So you’ve found yourself a basic bro, what do you do next? You ask him to go to a baseball game or an MMA fight, duh. Basic bros aren’t the most unique people but they’re usually cheerful, always down to hang and are willing to grab beers anytime, anywhere. These guys usually have a girlfriend and a squad of dudes to hit up Reno with because they’re fun. Once you’ve established a friendship with a basic bro get ready for floating down the river, lots of sports bars and plenty of Chinese take-out. Chances are you’ll have a good time enjoying all three.

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