Tis the season for buying stuff for your loved ones. Most people stick to the safe gifts like gift cards, tasteful clothing and items the receiver had previously hinted at wanting. Since all of that is pretty cut and dry, I thought I would do you, the faithful reader, a service by illuminating some gifts that you most likely were unaware of. Some of these will do very little to increase the happiness of the receiver, but they are all guaranteed to keep you warm with the knowledge that you are more than just a basic human giving boring gifts. Shout out to the 169-year-old Hammacher Schlemmer Catalog as it never disappoints when looking for weird presents.
With so many people praying at the altar of the Star Wars these days, what a great way to show them that you understand their obsession and took the time to find a gift that will give them a leg up the next time they get into a pissing contest as to who the biggest fan is. Also, since it’s R2D2 you can rest assured it will remain relevant as every movie in the franchise apparently has to contain the following: a death star, an abandoned youth, R2D2 and the line “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
I will most likely being buying this one as I have a young child who could play peek-a-boo for hours without stopping. I honestly can’t figure out why the hell babies and toddlers love this game so much. It is maddening and actual proof that children are not smart. So if you have a new parent, hook them up and they will thank you for at least the next two years.
I included this one because I have second hand knowledge that it’s a piece of crap. Also, allow me to rant about how this device takes half the fun and skill out of a good old fashioned snowball fight. Crafting a snowball to hurl at a temporary adversary not only requires learned skill, it tells you a lot about the person. We all have at least one jerk in our life who would take the time to construct an ice ball capable of breaking a tooth or leaving a substantial bruise. This invention robs you of the ability to assess someone’s moral character and act accordingly.
4. Just click on the link and you can thank me later for your increased style presence in the future.
5. The Best Bug Vacuum
Ahh, real evidence that people don’t like to get their hands dirty anymore. Buy this for any person you know who wants all insects dead, but lacks the personal resolve to actually end a life themselves. Although I think the user of this product should be ridiculed, I am wholly in favor of the bug-a-salt (mainly because it takes skill and you still have to pick the bug up to transport it to the trash, forcing you to grasp with the tiny life you just extinguished).
Bug-a-salt available here.
I may or may not have already purchased this. Since a ton of baby boomers have told us that all millenials would have houses if they could have just purchased less avocado toast, this seems relevant. Maybe you could help with the down payment by giving them a gift that cuts down on throwing away that second half of the avocado. You are truly thoughtful.
7. Jewelry That Expresses Your Feelings
I’m hoping people buy these so I can see them in public and immediately write off the person wearing it. Do your part to help identify these “people.”
8. Wine Condoms
Hey oh! You can almost hear the product pitch…
Frank the marketer, “Bob, I’ve found the product that will make our company rich.”
Bob the boss, “Do tell.”
Frank, “Well we know people like preserving half drank bottles of wine and references to sex outside of actual intercourse.”
Frank, “I give you the wine condom.”
Bob, <sobbing with joy>
I’m sure each of the ten people reading this have someone in their life that actually thinks this would be an awesome fashion statement. Looks like your shopping is now complete.
I’ll end with something I did a few years ago that continues to bring me joy whenever I think about it (I apologize if I already mentioned this in a previous post, but I have very little in terms of accomplishments in my life). Buy a gift card* You are probably thinking, Ross said gift cards are basic and boring. I did, but here’s the twist. Let’s say you are going to buy a new fitbit for your brother (since everyone needs a device to tell them how many steps they took, obviously). So when you go to the electronics store, check the price. Let’s say its $98 after tax. PIck up the fit bit, buy a gift card for $100 and then purchase the fitbit. Now you can give the step counter to your brother and a “$100” gift card to a friend. I cannot describe how joyous it is when your friend calls you angrily from the register at the electronics store. [ You’re welcome ]