The Perks of Being Tall

There are very few downsides to being tall. Indeed, cars are horrible contraptions made by the jealous vertically challenged, planes are a tall person’s worst nightmare, and hobbit holes are just out of the question, but the perks of extreme height far outweigh the downsides.  

Fact: when you are tall you are 62% more likely to become a basketball superstar. When you’re tall you never have to worry about getting separated from your friends at large gatherings. Your head floats above the rest, on the downside, hide ‘n seek is difficult.  Being tall is a great conversation starter as pretty much everyone, excluding other tall people, will approach you and say “wow you’re really tall.” The ladies love tall guys, they feel safer with a tall partner. Conversations are easy to practice for, and height is a great ice breaker at job interviews too. In fact, it is probably one of the reasons I got the job at Iron Horse Brewery. Speaking of IHB, being tall helps you accomplish a multitude of tasks in the brewing industry.

When you have finished a sparge, you are left with a good amount of what we call “spent grain.” It is malting barley with all of the fermentable sugars extracted out.  You have to pull all of the grain out of the lauter tun using a mash paddle.  For shorter people this can be a bit of a challenge, especially when it comes to getting the grain out all the way in the back. For tall people, this task is a breeze as we are able to aptly reach and pull out the grain with little to no trouble. Brewers are required to adjust the pump speed for transferring wort into a fermentation vessel. If you’re tall enough, you don’t have to climb all the way up the stairs to adjust the pump hence, tall people save energy and time. Lifting specialty grain bags into the mill is basically effortless when you are the proper height for pouring.  Shutting off the cold water fill valve does not require a step stool for someone my height. Taking gravities and mash PH samples are just an arm’s reach away, while sadly, others have to stand on their tip toes and struggle to reach. Basically, my height has saved the brewery a shit-ton of time and money.

Fact: When you are tall you can handle more alcohol which means you can sample and enjoy more beers without getting shwasted! This body was made for the beer industry

If you’re tall, you’re guaranteed to be the best damned, time efficient, energy saving, beer drinking, sample taking, conversational expert, lady killing, brewer extraordinaire!  Unfortunately you will never be able to drive a Geo Metro but I guess you win some and you lose some.

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