To the Girl I Met at The Pub and Never Called Back

A response to this.

My thoughts were elsewhere that night.

You thought I was emotional because of our connection but it was so much more. That morning my dog was hit by a passing milk truck and due to her horrific injuries I was forced to put her down myself. You thought that my enigma was an attempt at being aloof, mysterious or sexy but in fact I was trying not to focus on anything because everything was reminding me of my sweet Schnoodles. You’re right, I am a proud man and did not want to appear weak in front of an attractive girl. You’re right, I am selfish. Schnoodles died that morning because I was so caught up in my morning crossword puzzle I didn’t notice that I left the front door open leaving her to run out into traffic. You’re right, I am weak and scared. I’m lost without my best friend and the thought of causing that much pain (emotional or physical) on another being scares the hell out of me.

The girl I needed is dead.

You’re right, I didn’t give us a chance. All I wanted was to have a taste of my favorite beer and distract myself from the day’s horror. All I wanted that night was human companionship in the simplest form. I wanted a distraction.

If I were after something more serious I would look for a girl who has a perfect smile, will never drag me into dance clubs, surprises me with gifts, is sweet, has a soothing voice, has an athletic body, never cries except from laughing at my jokes, never goes into my study, has thick hair, makes slightly less money than me, is blonde, is into dogs, cleans up after me, loves giving massages, loves giving other things, is open to trying new things, loves cooking, loves baking, has blue eyes, is feminine, knows how to use a hammer, is intelligent, is groomed, is curvy but thin, always takes my side, is extremely forgiving, is smaller than me, on that note she should have small hands, doesn’t talk a lot, wears light perfume, sleeps naked, is kind to children, hasn’t had many partners, has never been engaged or married, isn’t on a diet, and loves beer. I didn’t see these traits that night.

The thought of a new female entering my life is awful. For one, I just lost the main lady in my life, Schoodles. For two, I enjoy the life I have. I like not having to clean up after myself, I enjoy having random strangers walk home from my house every Sunday morning. I don’t need someone to talk to on rough days, cause there’s nothing more masculine than being able to make it on your own. 

The time that we shared that night was amazing. The power you gave me when you opened up was exhilarating. I have been with quite a few women in my day but I don’t know if any of them will open up as quickly as you did.  

A true connection is once in a lifetime.

Extraordinary love is rare. I have experienced that love before. That love is what I experience with my Subaru Outback, Seattle Seahawks and of course, my dear Schnoodles. I’m not sure my heart has room for more love. With my outdoorsy car and the Hawks, there was barely room for Schoodles, let alone a human. Developing feelings for those three things took a lot of time and I don’t see how anyone can expect a connection to come that quickly.

Dating me is like dating a spy

A lot of women haven’t been able to handle me. I drink a lot, I am flirtatious, I usually don’t get home til late and I tend to leave a lot of destruction behind me. I am essentially the American James Bond.

I am stubborn and I don’t easily admit that I am wrong. I love fighting and will sometimes do so over the tiniest things. Apologizing is for people who wrong about something so don’t expect that you’ll ever hear me doing that.

It’s not you it’s me.

You’re a great girl. In fact, you’re a catch. You’re beautiful, funny and you drink beer. That’s so many dudes’ dreams. I’m sure that there are a hundred guys out there better for you than me. Honestly, I’ve decided for you that I’m not worth it. I just don’t want a relationship right now. There are plenty more fish in the sea and your bait is pretty enticing.

Timing is everything and right now just isn’t the right time for us. Everything happens for a reason and we know that time heals all wounds. One day you’ll look back on this and laugh. You’ll bounce back in no time! Enjoy the single life, you’re young!

I really enjoyed the night we met. Yes, maybe I said some things that may have lead you on, but I was drinking and I had just lost my dog. I hope you call the next time you’re in town. You’re someone I would love to hangout with again as friends.  

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