As a Seahawks fan, I was obviously bummed they decided to take a collective dump during the first half of the Carolina contest and, as a result, didn’t make the big game. Oh well, they used to suck, and now they’re relevant, so there’s a silver lining. Now, unlike the last two years, I have to figure out some team or something to root for. Broncos or Panthers? Gross. The washed up QB with a noodle arm, or the rising star who loves nothing more than running away from teammates to celebrate his greatness alone? Ummm, neither thank you.
Apparently nothing connected to the game itself makes me happy, so I’m rooting for awkwardness. Fortunately the Super Bowl is full of it. Outside the stadium, we can all imagine scores of middle aged men clutching a football to reenact their favorite plays while wearing a jersey of their team’s star player. On TV, we see the NFL pay lip service to stopping domestic violence, while actual punishments for beating their girlfriends or wives remain light at best.
On the field, we have concussion protocols for a sport that produces them at an alarming rate. But trust us, we care about the players’ health, so much so that we think 18 regular season games is a great idea. Makes sense. Okay, enough of that, I’m stepping off my soapbox now. I’ve decided to root for another equipment malfunction, a la Janet Jackson, during the halftime show. I’m not even asking for an entire nipple this time. Just something memorable that brings myself and others joy, possibly a fart from Beyonce picked up by a mic.
One other thing I’m looking for, less commercials from Budweiser (actually AB-InBEV). Claiming that you brew the hard way, while using imagery that I’m guessing is supposed to make viewers yearn for a bygone era, but instead just makes the company appear to be against diversity. Back when there was only one style of beer to drink and stupid small businesses weren’t complicating things. You know, making consumers question what ingredients were used and where the money they spend is actually going (answer: Sao Paolo). Now that I think about it, I’m rooting for more of these commercials, because they make people realize just how ridiculous their whole patriotic schtick really is.