“Everything in moderation, including moderation”
St. Patrick’s Day is one of the best holidays for a reason. The food is incredible, the beers are even better, but more so than anything, it’s the final nail in the coffin of that fad diet you started as a new year’s resolution. It’s one of the few days we get to celebrate pure gluttony. So close those tabs for your crossfit WOD, 21 day fix, and ponder with me what you might see (or want to avoid) on 3/17.
- The Guy Who Went Too Hard Too Early
You walk into a bar at 7:30 with some friends, ready for a small get together, and are immediately greeted by a stench-wall of sweat and piss (or Bud Light). All you’re looking for is a nice outing to get a little festive and you’re now stuck in a place that smells like someone poured Old English on the stones in a sauna. At the forefront of the sensory overload, is a guy who is clutching the jukebox like it’s the only thing keeping him planted to the earth while he is slurring his way through “With or Without You” by U2 like a Neapolitan Mastiff.
We get it dude, you’re up for whatever™, but no amount of “I’m sorry” or “c’mon it’s St Paddy’s Day” will undo what you’ve spilled beer on… in the daylight… on a Thursday. This die-hard-frat-bro is the reason why Uber has a puke cleaning fee.
- Green Face
Like I said, St. Paddy’s Day is one of the few times we celebrate gluttony. Over indulging on corned beef ‘n’ hash is a must, but there is always that one guy who channels his inner Kobayashi and practically shuts down the buffet. You can spot this guy in the corner sweating lamb stew and hiccuping shepherd’s pie. Green face is most likely nursing his first beer because each sip is just a splash on top of the mountain of Coddle in his stomach that is waiting to trigger a landslide.
- Way Over The Top Into It Guy
Unless you’re on the front of a cereal box there is no reason why you should be sporting a 5 gallon green hat and head to toe green paint. I’m assuming whoever is dressed up like this and is not in a parade is the same guy who has the stick figure family stickers on the back window of his Kia Sedona (which is another hate-filled blog of its own). If someone can explain to me how dawning 100 two cent beads makes that guy 100 times more festive than the guy next to him I’ll rest my case. Until that time comes, I’ll keep projecting that this character is a walking personal hell of dad jokes and cheesy pick-up lines. I hope everyone of these people can’t get the green paint off of them in time for work on Friday for what they put everyone through the night before.
**disclaimer: if you can rock the splits as hard as this guy you get a pass**
- The “I’m super Irish” Guy
Look I get it, pretty much everyone is at least .000002% Irish year round, but on St. Paddy’s Day that jumps to 200%. By all means, celebrate to your heart’s content but listening to the Dropkick Murphys for three hours makes you about as Irish as Irish Spring soap. For some reason, the “super Irish guy” feels the need to convince the bar that he and his brother, Conor McGregor, were there for the potato famine. No one is going to believe that while he’s holding a black and tan and trying to order a round of Irish Car Bombs.
- The Pincher
There is always that one guy who goes around pinching people if they’re not wearing green and is usually the same guy who is saying “kiss me I’m Irish.” He is worst of them all. Just like this guy’s hopes and dreams, people left that crap behind in high school. Everything about this guy is more played-out than the “keep calm and…” crap you see everywhere. Pinching should never be part of a celebration. This person should be dealt with like a protester at a Trump rally. That’s the only way they’ll learn. We’ll pay your legal fees.
Above all else, have some fun on St. Paddy’s Day. If you end up seeing or being one of these people, so be it. Everyone is Irish on St. Paddy’s day.
Also, if you’ve made it this far you deserve a reward. Go to radbreweryshit.com and use the code “paddyon” to get a 10% discount. Boom.