St. Patrick’s day is approaching which means a hangover is approaching. I am lucky that for whatever reason I rarely get hangovers but St. Paddy Day gets me every time. Even though there isn’t a drop of Irish blood in me St. Paddy Day has got to be one of my favorite times a year. I love the music, I love the colors, I love the food and I love Irish Cream. It’s a problem.
This year I will be prepared. I am ready for the aftermath and I will show up to work looking fresh instead of defeated. I have researched hangover cures from all over the world and right here in the brewery and have compiled a list of what seems to be the most effective.
Greasy Food and Water
The most basic of hangover remedies. Water (Gatorade works but studies actually show it’s no more effective than tap water) with greasy food. A lot of people drink fluids and eat pizza the day after but what can help you is eating greasy food and drinking water while you are drinking. Food in the stomach reduces your peak blood-alcohol concentration by about a third. Try to drink 16 to 20 oz of water before you go to bed and drink a glass of water after each beer you drink.
Over the counter stuff won’t really help you much but it’s been said that taking prickly pear extract several hours before you drink might be able to lower your day-after symptoms by about half. The extract has a protein that curbs inflammation you can get from drinking too much.
Hair of the Dog
Alcohol holds back a brain chemical called glutamate. Because the glutamate is held back your brain overcompensates and makes more and more of it so when the alcohol wears off you have a bunch of glutamate floating around in your brain. This causes headaches, nausea and/or fatigue. Drinking more will continue to hold back the glutamate..so not really a cure, more of a delay of alcohol symptoms.
Pliny the Elder recommended deep-frying a canary and scarfing it down. Not quite sure if the bird is supposed to be beheaded and skinned or eaten whole. Either way the crunchy bones are the best part.
Namibians recommend buffalo milk. But it’s not actually buffalo milk. It’s clotted cream (from cows), dark rum, spiced rum, cream liqueur and whole cream. Booze, dairy and a sugar crash.
After drinking too much sake, the Japanese like to eat a pickled dried ume called a umeboshi. This is similar to a dried plum or apricot. Don’t expect a little pickling cause the things are so pickled it’s puckering. Some soak the umeboshi in tea but even so, they are incredibly sour.
Time for katerfruhstuck or “hangover breakfast.” This consists of a plate of raw pickled herring wrapped around pieces of gherkin and onion.
Poutine. Thick-cut french fries with chunks of cheese curd smothered in gravy with fresh peppercorns.
Dried bull penis. Yep, you read it right. It’s not so popular anymore but the assumption used to be that bull penis would restore your virility. I’d convince myself I didn’t have a hangover if that meant I wouldn’t have to eat bull penis.
Voodoo practitioners swear by this fix. Simply stick 13 black-headed pins into the cork of the bottle that cursed you with hangover-ism.
A breakfast of sheep lungs and two owl eggs should do the trick. Owl eggs taste like eggs but lungs are very rubbery. Seems hard to eat with an upset stomach but whatevs.
According to legend, the best way to cure a hangover is to get buried up to your neck in wet river sand. Ireland is a rather cold place so this theory could be similar to the cold shower.
We do not recommend doing this but Vietnamese people have been known to grind rhino horn into hot water and drink it. Rhino horns are in fact believed to cure anything so the demand for rhinos is high and poaching has gotten out of control.
If you are having problems with your gut you should probably just consume guts. Tripe soup: innards boiled with garlic, onion and sometimes cream. People also like doing this in Mexico and Romania. If anyone tries this please let us know how it goes.
Mongolia doesn’t mess around. Tomato juice and pickled sheep’s eyes are the cure. Not sure where one can find pickled sheep’s eyes but please let me know if you find a place.
Iron Horse Recommendations
“Drink a bunch of gatorade and eat some pizza before bed.”
-Adam R., Guardian of Merchandise
“Smoking weed works great. I don’t really use this strategy anymore but it worked like a charm in high school and college.”
-Greg P., Some Guy
“Drink a glass of water and then go for a run.”
-Connie M., Unicornologist
“Before bed drink an Emergen-C or Airborne. Repeat upon waking up.”
-Rikki W., Director of Optimism
“Campus-U-totem basket with all the sauces and a Diet Vanilla Pepsi. After the second nap of the day, it’s time for a Oreo Blizzard. Also Orange Pedialyte.”
-Dane W., Resident Ginger
“Big Bottle of Pedialyte. A little under 1/2 the bottle before bed with the other half being consumed when you wake up.Water constantly. This is more preventative, but if you have the willpower, drinking a glass of water between each alcoholic beverage helps a ton, and you get to pee alot! Fake wake up. Force yourself to get out of bed earlier in the morning (say 8 a.m.) and walk around, drink some water, go to the bathroom, etc. Then go back to sleep after 30 minutes of this and sleep for at least two hours. Greasy breakfast and a coca cola.”
-Ross C., Flip-flop Fashion Coordinator
“In this order: water, coffee, kombucha, and an easy jog.”
-Grace W., Anger Management Counselor
“Hair of the dog always is my go-to! Like a beermosa or a screwdriver.”
-Elliott S., Beer Lord