For Immediate Release
Iron Horse Brewery Announces Complete Shift in Business
As of today Iron Horse Brewery will cease to exist in the form you all know and love. We are done with beer.
ELLENSBURG, WA (April 1, 2017) Some will say market trends caused craft/indie beer to not be profitable, others will say we never successfully spread the brand equity of Irish Death to our other beers… but one thing is for certain as of 4/1/17 Iron Horse Brewery will never produce beer again- it’s just no longer profitable.
Thankfully, the story of IHB doesn’t fully end here. Our cutting edge team of economic forecasters and liquid scientists have been planning for this days and are ready to disclose what the future holds for IHB:
CRAFT VAPE JUICE
Iron Horse Vapery is now solely focused on the production of handmade, high quality, craft vape juice. Here’s what people around the new vapery are saying about the big switch:
Owner, Greg Parker explained, “You see, bro, the whole craft beer trend started as a rebellion to the man. It was a statement that… like… the little guy could make a better product than the Goliath brewers of the world. I think we’ve proved that through IPAs and other fantastic styles of beer, but the one thing we could never touch was the whole sweet category of Lime-a-ritas, Straw-ber-itas, and so on. We just didn’t have a response to anything in the ‘a-rita’ category. That’s why today is a great day for us. Me and my bros are stoked that we’re able to produce sweet ‘a-rita’ flavors that skip your stomach and sucker punch you right in the lungs. We’re using the same brewing equipment that produced Irish Death and High 5 Hefe to launch new vape flavors that are at the pinnacle of vape juice trends. We got stuff like Bazuka Berry Blast, Citrus Slip n Slide, Casper Gasper, Millennial Mango Meltdown, Trench Foot, Liquid Rainbows and more shit I can’t even talk about. I’m pumped to announce that we are now Iron Horse Vapery (IHV).”
Greg also added, “If my truck can roll coal, I can blow smoke. Blaze it.”
When asked what the big switch meant for the Vapery, IHV’s sales manager, Ross Chalstrom, took off his white sunglasses and aggressively commented, “Personally, this is a great day for me. Everyone knows I’m a fucking chimney. I blow fucking circles, bro. Vape tricks are my life, and I’m stoked my job will be supporting that…By the way, does anyone have a micro-USB cable? My vape pen is out of batteries.”
IHV’s resident ginger or Chief Revenue Guy, Dane Williams had this to say, “You know, this decision has been a long time coming; you might even say it all started when me and my frat brothers tried to smoke a vape pen we filled with Keystone Ice back in the day. It didn’t work (RIP Jeremy) and we got put on probation for it, but that was what really got the ball rolling on all of this. WSU is really an incubator for paradigm shifting ideas like this. Go Cougs.”
Jared “Slops” Vallejo, IHV’s Marketing Director said “As a kid I always wanted to be a train. Choo choo!”
Tyson Read, IHV’s Head Brewer (now head vaperer?) had this to say,
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ‘WE’RE A VAPERY? WHY AM I JUST HEARING ABOUT THIS? I DIDN’T GET A MASTER BREWERS CERTIFICATE AT UC GOD DAMN DAVIS TO CREATE JUICE FOR THESE DOUCHE FLUTES. WHOSE FUCKING IDEA WAS THIS?”
Overall, Iron Horse Vapery is excited to make the jump to an expanding market that’s desperate for a transparent, high quality juice option for the Vape Nation. If you have any questions or if you want to tour the new vapery please visit ironhorsevapery.com or hit us up on Facebook, bro.
About Iron Horse Vapery
Iron Horse Vapery cut its teeth in the craft brewing world, making popular beers such as Irish Death, High 5 Hefe, Beer Wolf and more. When the craft beer market became saturated, Iron Horse Brewery dove head first into the craft vape juice world and became Iron Horse Vapery (IHV). IHV is centrally located in Ellensburg, WA, and has been producing high quality, handcrafted vape juice since 4/1/2017. Current production is forecasted to produce at least 13oz of vape juice by the end of 2017- that’s a lot of smoke rings. To learn more about the vapery or to simply take a break from Facebook, go to www.ironhorsevapery.com; you’ll probably be sorry you did.
Greg Parker, General Manager
Jared Vallejo, Marketing Director