Fifty Shades of Outrage

Having a bad day? Beer can help. Here are some personal recommendations of Iron Horse Brewery beer styles best suited for outrage according to someone who is easily outraged.

For the record I think I am generally an OK person who enjoys sharing my beer benefits with others (proof here), but when someone I know is wronged (including myself) I get outraged. Not in a physical way, but just in a way where I cannot let something go and it becomes the topic of all my conversations for a solid 24 hours or quite possibly the next week (sorry to all my friends). Is that the official definition of outrage?

It’s the little things that really get me – when a corporate company (not Iron Horse) comes in and changes things to make processes less efficient and everyone’s jobs harder, when someone is a complete d*** for no reason or when someone can’t follow a simple established rule like not blowing through a red light. Maybe those wouldn’t cause a normal person to be outraged, but they really trigger me.

And so I’ve been working to find out what Iron Horse beer goes best with the different shades of my outrage. Please note I also drink beer when I’m happy too, but that is not the point of this blog.

Farmlandia – This beer is no longer available (insert tears), but was my go to summer beer of choice for being mildly annoyed. I tended to go for this when I was upset someone had blown through a four-way stop when it clearly wasn’t their turn to go, or someone was texting and driving and not getting pulled over. It was basically reserved for when I felt annoyed at people’s lack of interest in following rules.

Ooh, something else that annoys me – the iPhone snooze button is nine minutes. Nine minutes, not ten. Why?! I get that Apple was trying to do a throwback to mechanical clocks that had to offer snooze in nine-minute intervals to make it work or whatever, but honestly some people can’t stand the oddness of that number and want ten minutes. Yes, I realize I can download an alarm app and bypass the standard included Apple alarm altogether, but that’s more work than I should have to do when we pay so much for the phone.

High Five Hefe – I really like this beer, so I’ve tried not to associate it with a high level of outrage despite having the word high in its name. For me High Five comes in handy when I’m teetering on the edge of annoyance and outrage, say for example when someone cuts in line at the movie theater after you’ve been waiting for a while at a new release (I know that rarely happens in Ellensburg). No cutting. It’s rude and I didn’t end up getting to sit by my friend for the premiere of the last Harry Potter movie release, you turd burglar (yes, it’s been five years and I’m still annoyed). Too bad you can’t actually buy High Five at our local movie theater. Also this is good for when people you’ve interacted with multiple times forget your name.

Irish Death – A dark beer for dark times. What falls under this category for me? Getting hit in the head and having the referee not call a penalty on the offender. Moms thinking they are the only ones who have a lot going on and missing your scheduled meeting without giving you the courtesy of calling or texting they won’t make it. Late requests on jockey boxes. Even worse – not getting jockey boxes back on time and in disgusting condition. Finding out they discontinued your favorite ____ (insert your personal favorite here). Hit and runs. Micromanagement. Bands who are entitled and expect to be treated like A-listers when they’re being D-listers if you get my drift. Getting laid off. … What I’m trying to say is there’s a lot that could fall into this category and Irish Death is a good solution.

Any IPA  – This is when you know I’m at the pinnacle of my outrage. Why? Because I’m not a fan of IPAs and if it’s come to me drinking an IPA it means I’m beyond caring about anything except what I’m ranting about. Like how bad the refs for indoor soccer are. They shouldn’t throw a red card for questioning a call. Players are legitimately allowed to ask refs what they saw. Nothing wrong with that. If a red card is thrown before I’ve been disrespectful to you, you can bet I will run my mouth at you afterward. If you’re like me just drink the IPA, vent to your unlucky server and be done with it. If you like IPAs, good for you.

*Generally* after having any of these excellent beers, I’m feeling OK enough to move on and talk about something else. My advice to you is to do the same.

*THERE IS NO BEER THAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE FACT THAT FARMLANDIA ISN’T GETTING MADE ANYMORE. THAT OUTRAGE WILL  LIVE ON FOREVER. If you agree that Farmlandia needs to be brought back, please email bringbackfarmlandia@gmail.com to get a movement going or maybe get a free sticker.

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