An Open Letter to Mr. or Ms. Hot Pockets®

Dear Mr. or Ms. Hot Pockets®,

Your delicious, creamy melted cheese enveloping perfectly diced meat squares wrapped in buttery baked pastry dough is truly one of the best creations of all time.  And, it’s SO. EASY. TO EAT. that is, once you wait the appropriate 5.7 minutes to let it cool down after the requisite post-microwave heat session.

Side note: I often wonder if you and Mrs. Cherry Crumble from TV Dinner fame didn’t get together one day and make a bet as to who can get their internal ingredients to 2700 Kelvin without the contents exploding while ensuring the very center of your respective treat is still slightly “cool to the touch”. You should patent this, taste-bud destroying process. It’s a scientific marvel.

Another side note: how many people, when making a hot pocket for the first time, actually adhered to your recommended “cool down” period? My guess is only 1 person, and she works in our office. The rest of us, because we are so anxious to masticate this wonderfully aromatic delicacy, only wait about 20 seconds before “IMMEDIATELY REGRETTING THIS DECISION” and now have to find a way to tactfully spew the uncharacteristically large bite of Hot Pocket, which is burning like molten lava in our mouths, somewhere, and it might as well be the kitchen counter. Sorry, Mom!

I didn’t know it until this very moment, but you, Mr./Ms. Hot Pockets® were trying to teach us three lessons: Patience, good things come to those who wait, and blisters can form on a human tongue. j/k on that last one.

Thank you for this, from the bottom of my heart and all of my other organoleptic parts.

Now, to the point of this letter.

I don’t know if you know this, Mr./Ms. Hot Pockets®, but a lot of people, particularly high school aged warcraft playing nerds and budget-minded college-aged liberal arts majors love your product. Also, tired parents, coal miners, your grandma, and craft beer fans who also like to run in short races that raise money for a good cause, for example.

For the last 3 years, Iron Horse Brewery in Ellensburg, WA has put on a .5K race, called the St. Paddy Half K, which serves as a fundraiser for local food banks. To date, our fans have raised over $15,000, running a total of 1.5k (or roughly 1 mile). Last year the St Paddy Day .5 K was a PUN RUN, sponsored by a pizza company where we raised money for dough. view pictures here and then here. The year before that was the clean run, sponsored by Dentists – there might have been a mouthwash station followed up by an orange juice station, or vice versa, I can’t remember, as I was very busy flossing my teeth.

This year, that is 2018’s race, we’d like to warm things up a bit. And rather than a hot chocolate run, we decided we want to make it a Hot Pocket run. Naturally, we thought of Mr./Ms. Hot Pockets®. (yes, I realize that your parents are the King & Queen of chocolate, but it’s hard to run with steaming cup of hot cocoa in your hands)
What better way to warm the hands of 500-700 runners than with perfectly ‘waved (that’s vernacular for microwaved) Hot Pockets®. Imagine the 200 or so children, actually choosing to eat turkey, cheese & broccoli. Parents would adore you, and so would the children. Imagine providing the ever-so-important mid-run sustenance necessary to help these ultra champions complete the race. Imagine how great it would be knowing that, you, Mr. or Ms. Hot Pockets®, helped pull off the greatest race of all time. (someone once told me that hyperbole is okay to use when making requests for in-kind donations)

The St. Paddy Day .5K takes place in two locations this year – Boise, ID on March 10th and Ellensburg, WA on March 17th.

So, here is my official request, if you, my longtime friend, Mr./Ms. Hot Pockets®, would be willing to support this fundraising race:

  1. Not your money, although I’m sure The Idaho Foodbank and FISH Food Bank would love it.
  2. Hundreds of Hot Pockets® (approximately 650)
  3. Stickers or Magnets so our racers will be reminded of your awesome support
  4. Is Herbie Hot Pocket available?

Jared Vallejo
Director of Open Letters & Requests to Food Companies
Iron Horse Brewery and Hot Pocket fan since 1993.

ps. we’re also going to reach out to HotHands about getting hand warmers for the runner’s pockets because literal hot pockets seem like a good idea as well. Do you have any leads?

pps. I’m just now finally able to overlook the erroneous fact that you refer to Hot Pockets® as a sandwich.

ppps.  if that pps just closed the door on this, then I take it back, who am I to say what defines a sandwich?

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