My wife and I made the questionable decision to have children later on in our thirties. After taking the requisite steps, my wife spawned a life form roughly seven months ago. The experience has reinforced the notion that parenting is best suited to young people as they are more resilient and confident in their abilities. Regardless, here we are. As expected, having a small human that is entirely dependent on you has been life altering to say the least. Before you non-breeders roll your eyes; rest assured that this blog will not contain a bunch of annoying observations accompanied by the claim that you just don’t understand until you’re a parent. Instead I’d like to marvel at the total ineptitude of our species to make it out of the first few years alive. Compared to other animals, we are basically worthless when we are born. How great would it be if, like a fawn (baby deer), human babies would be able to walk and talk within hours? Instead, the only thing mother nature bestowed upon infants was the crucial ability to turn his or her head to the side to avoid choking on one’s own vomit. Think about that. I imagine there was a conversation at some point between higher beings that boiled down to this…
“So what do we allow humans to master at birth so they can survive?”
“We could give them the ability to communicate their needs. Also, we could give them the use of their arms and legs so they don’t suffocate simply by rolling over. Oh, and how about a fully functioning brain so they have mastery of their senses?”
“Looks like we only get to give them one ability.”
“Really? Well they do throw up a lot so we better make sure they don’t choke on it.”
As time progressed, and our daughter has grown, we came to another important realization. All the parents that expound on just how special their kid is becomes possible because of one tried and true tactic. Lowering your expectations. For example, if your expectations are low, the first time your baby grabs something it is amazing. Sure, she barely held on before dropping it, much like a drunk person trying to get their debit card out of their wallet, but compared to that same baby a month earlier, it was pure magic. Or how about the first time she swallowed solid food? Holy shit, she actually swallowed! My goodness, she just did something that the vast majority of living people on earth do without even thinking. How amazing. If there’s one thing you take away from this blog it’s this, child birth is not a miracle. Correct me if I’m wrong, but nothing that every living human has experienced is magic. I’ll concede that back in antiquity, when medical science consisted of blood letting, you might have an argument (key word might). – Interjection from my wife, “You’re an idiot. It felt like a miracle to me! You try creating a life and then delivering it to the world.”
Since this is a blog, and it’s me writing it, there has to be some mention of fecal matter. As usual, contemplating the human waste process has brought me a greater understanding of life. About a month ago my daughter got her first solid turd. Its passing was accompanied by confusion, crying and a fair amount of discomfort. Why these reactions to something so natural? Well if you had only had brown liquid coming out of your butthole until one day a solid mass needed to be actively pushed, I’m guessing you’d disoriented too. Fast forward a month and she’s pushing out turds daily with hardly a peep. Life lesson: Humans, when faced with new and uncomfortable realities, first bitch and resist before making the necessary adaptations. Its why we continue to survive despite a constantly changing world. To summarize…
- Your child, like 99.9% of children, is neither extraordinary nor special.
- Nothing that is fully explainable by science, and experienced by literally every person alive and dead, is a miracle.
- Poop remains as one of the best subjects to uncover life truths.
- Beer remains the best libation for contemplating such deep thoughts (not proven in this post, but at this point, should be a given).
*Featured Image from here.