A Nigerian Prince Needs Your Help!

Connie, who controls our content and secretly wants to be a pony, has been asking me for blogs for a while now.  Unfortunately, I had little to write about that seems relevant or interesting to you, the craft reader (I so want this to become a term used to describe certain literary enthusiasts).  You’re most likely still reading this, and by employing basic logic, have come to the conclusion that I must now deem something worthy of your time.  Quite the opposite, rather I’m sick of Connie looking at me as though I’m a cross between a serial litterer and someone who legitimately enjoys the smell of their own farts (only one of these is true).   

So I’ve decided to give you an email thread between a gentleman named Ron Ivan and myself.  By the way, I’m a troll.

From: Ron Ivan <theivans1011@outlook.com>
Date: Mon, Jan 18, 2016 at 4:30 PM
Subject: ORDER
To: Ross Chalstrom <ross@ironhorsebrewery.com>

Hello,

    I am Ron Ivan. I would like to place an order from you and have it shipped with a shipping company I have used several times in the past. Before placing an order with you, I would like to know if I can pay with a credit card (such as Master, Visa or American Express), also, I don’t like to place online orders so can I simply email my order and have you give me a quote? This will allow the fastest processing of my orders.

   Before we continue with this order, i will like it to come to your notice that, I will send you my order and i will need you to get back to me with the total cost of my order.

    I will send you my credit card to be charged for the total cost of my order and I would like you to help me Charge another extra fee from my card for the freight forwarder who will be coming to pick up my ordered items from you, as they do not presently have a credit card payment option,because they are presently reconstructing their management. After all the charges have been made on my credit card, you will help me Transfer the shipment fee to the freight forwarder and i will let them know when to come for the pickup as soon as i have the go ahead from you.

       Let me know if this can be done and i will get back to you with the items needed.Looking forward to your swift response then we can proceed further as soon as possible..

Very Respectfully,

Ron Ivan

Date: Tue, Jan 19, 2016 at 9:21 AM
Subject: Re: ORDER
To: Ron Ivan <theivans1011@outlook.com>

Hey Ron,

  Thanks for wanting to place an order with us.  Also, thank you for explaining the process of payment as its a complicated one.  Please let me know what you would like to order and we’ll get it going.  As for the transaction fee, how much is it?  I’ve heard they can charge up to a few thousand dollars.  Luckily we have the extra money, so please tell me what that company is charging you.  We’ll send you the cash to pay for it and then you can just pay us back.  We are honorable people and can tell that you are as well.  I look forward to finding out your address so I can send you the large sum of money and help out my new friend.  Take care Ron and please let me know what else I can do to help.

From: Ron Ivan <theivans10@outlook.com>
Date: Tue, Jan 19, 2016 at 10:03 AM
Subject: Re: ORDER
To: Ross Chalstrom <ross@ironhorsebrewery.com>

Just let me know what you would like and then what that transaction fee is and we’ll get the ball rolling and the cash sent over.  Thanks again for supporting our company!

Sincerely,

From: Ross Chalstrom <ross@ironhorsebrewery.com>
Date: Tue, Jan 19, 2016 at 10:55 AM
Subject: Re: ORDER
To: Ron Ivan <theivans10@outlook.com>

Date: Tue, Jan 26, 2016 at 11:25 AM
Subject: Re: ORDER
To: Ron Ivan <theivans10@outlook.com>

Hey Ron,

  I never heard back from you.  We still have lots of delicious can drinks for you to buy.  Also, could you send me a picture of yourself when you respond as I like to put a face to the name.  Since it wouldn’t be fair to ask for that and not reciprocate, I’ve attached a picture of myself “after hours.”  Think of this when reading my emails.  Look forward to talking to you soon, and of course, seeing your picture.

Ross

IHB

Attached picture

Needless to say, Ron never got back to me. It’s a shame. I was really looking forward to doing business with him.