Gettin’ Handsy

Handshakes. For a working person they’re a part of daily life. Most people probably don’t think anything of them. By most people I mean most men. Handshakes get weird with women. Here are the weirdest things that happen when women try to shake hands with men.

1. The Noodle Hand – I have watched a man give another man a firm handshake then turn around and give me a limp handshake. Not only does this feel kind of creepy, it makes no sense. I have dated dudes with smaller hands than mine, and if my hand is smaller than yours that doesn’t mean it’s weak.
2. The Hug – Why are you hugging me? You gave my brother a handshake. Either hug all of us or hug none of us.  I don’t know if you want to rub your body against me or if you think I’m too weak for a handshake, either way I don’t like it.
3. The Bone Crusher – We get it. You’re a man brimming with testosterone and you need to let everyone know you mean business. What you’re actually telling me when you squeeze my hand as hard as you can is that you are probably overcompensating for something and you may feel threatened by my presence.
4. Awkward Avoidance – True story. A man is meeting a group of people. He goes down the line shaking each person’s hand. I’m waiting my turn and just as he is about to get to me he lowers his hand, just as I raise mine. Then the man realizes what he’s doing and raises his hand again but I’m already lowering mine. Eventually we end up shaking hands but why did this need to happen in the first place?
5. The Dainty Fingers – Ugh. If I we lived in the Victorian era, fine. But unless you’re following up that handshake with a date to the royal ball forget it.
6. The Arm Pat – The only time I rub someone’s arm is when they’re feeling down and I am trying to cheer them up or if…well, actually that’s about the only time. We just met and you already feel sorry for me? Just shake my hand please.
7. No Eye Contact – This is perhaps the most frustrating. Not only has this happened to me but I’ve witnessed  it happening to others. This occurs most often when purchasing an item that is traditionally thought of as “masculine” (house, car, power tools). Even if a woman is making the purchase, if she has a man with her, the sales person will often make eye contact with the male, because you know, he’s probably in charge of the money. I’ve even had a man shake my hand while looking at another hand. What the? Not only do I not want to buy from you now, I also feel bad for your daughters.

It’s not just me. I’ve talked to a lot of women who have had similar experiences. Our female sales reps and event staff encounter this kind of stuff all the time. All the men get a handshake but the women get hugs. Men rarely hug each other but if I had a dollar every time a man tried to hug me I’d have a lot of dollars, like, not an insane amount but you know, an impressive amount of dollars, like I could probably buy a really nice gift for my mom with all the dollars I’d have, like not a candle but something really nice like a toaster oven or a pair of insulated mittens. But hey, maybe it’s best we don’t touch hands, because rumor has it for every centimeter of your hand there’s about 1,500 bacteria.